Have you ever loved someone so much that you feel like your body is going to explode into a million pieces?
It's like that for me with my grown children, and for my first love. Why?
Well, the mother connection is pretty understandable, I believe.
First love? It seems to me that once the heart is given fully in that way, it cannot happen again - until the birth of one's babies.
Fully exposing one's heart and soul takes a lot of opening, a lot of trust - that is so much easier for the young, before we know pain. After that first love leaves, or something causes the split, the heart closes back down to a more comfortable place, and opens just a smidgen now and again.
I wonder how it is for Enlightened beings. Are their hearts open all the time? Do they love everyone equally? I guess that's the goal. But, an open heart is a vulnerable one that can be broken easily.
The Buddha didn't talk of love. Jesus Christ did, and look what happened to him. I suppose he loved Judas. What was the pain of betrayal like? No - I don't want to know.
When I was with my son on Friday, I ached for him - for his struggles, and his desires. I felt that a knife was cutting my heart to bits, and I could hardly stand it.
When W met me at the airport, I felt joy that was so natural - like breathing.
I'm happy that he's happy - yet, how happy?
How would our lives have been if we'd stayed together all these years? It's a useless question, but one I can't help asking.
My life is good. I have no complaints.
I want to do good, be good, and make the rest of may days on this earth meaningful.
I care, and, sometimes, I love.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
When stuff gets stolen
Stuff comes, and goes.
I've had favorite rings, and things that I've lost, or given away - and, a few times, things have been taken from me.
Such an incident happened yesterday - on a 20 degree F day. The main item was my very cosy, long, fur-lined, suede coast with a hood. I'd put it in a cubby in the weight room, and was only a few feet away - yet, it was gone an hour later! Also missing was my backpack - which included my ipod, cds, reading glasses, ID for another gym, and ... un knowns! I've been racking my brain to remember what else was in that bag. Was my spare set of keys in it? If so, I'm concerned about the security of my home, and, perhaps my car .
Creepy feeling - like roaches invading my home.
Yet, apart from feeling sad, a bit mad (mostly at myself), and very cold on my way home, I tried to imagine who it was who had taken my stuff. I would like to think it was someone who was cold, and desperate ... yet, I realize that there are people who make a comfortable living by stealing from others - and not all of those are doing so illegally!
I want to say: "you're welcome!" - though would have preferred being given the chance to do so.
However, I find myself looking at myself, and my generosity.
I could give more. I could give up little treats, and have more to give to needy causes (and there are SO many!!)
Next week the gym will look at the security cameras outtake, and, perhaps there will be an image that enables identification of the criminal.
The" criminal."
As if any one of us are
"innocents."
If I believed in karma, I could say that this is one of the payments due.
Yet, I came into this world free. I paid no price, and have (and continue to enjoy) a wealth of health, and happiness.
It's all a gift. I am free to give some of it away, (or, at least not hold resentment at having stuff taken) - even when it causes me to be cold, and a bit sad.
Thus, I say to the person who took my stuff: stay warm, and, please listen to the Buddhist talks on my ipod. it might do you good.
I've had favorite rings, and things that I've lost, or given away - and, a few times, things have been taken from me.
Such an incident happened yesterday - on a 20 degree F day. The main item was my very cosy, long, fur-lined, suede coast with a hood. I'd put it in a cubby in the weight room, and was only a few feet away - yet, it was gone an hour later! Also missing was my backpack - which included my ipod, cds, reading glasses, ID for another gym, and ... un knowns! I've been racking my brain to remember what else was in that bag. Was my spare set of keys in it? If so, I'm concerned about the security of my home, and, perhaps my car .
Creepy feeling - like roaches invading my home.
Yet, apart from feeling sad, a bit mad (mostly at myself), and very cold on my way home, I tried to imagine who it was who had taken my stuff. I would like to think it was someone who was cold, and desperate ... yet, I realize that there are people who make a comfortable living by stealing from others - and not all of those are doing so illegally!
I want to say: "you're welcome!" - though would have preferred being given the chance to do so.
However, I find myself looking at myself, and my generosity.
I could give more. I could give up little treats, and have more to give to needy causes (and there are SO many!!)
Next week the gym will look at the security cameras outtake, and, perhaps there will be an image that enables identification of the criminal.
The" criminal."
As if any one of us are
"innocents."
If I believed in karma, I could say that this is one of the payments due.
Yet, I came into this world free. I paid no price, and have (and continue to enjoy) a wealth of health, and happiness.
It's all a gift. I am free to give some of it away, (or, at least not hold resentment at having stuff taken) - even when it causes me to be cold, and a bit sad.
Thus, I say to the person who took my stuff: stay warm, and, please listen to the Buddhist talks on my ipod. it might do you good.
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